Finding Infinity (Infinity Series) Read online

  This is not a revenge mission. It’s a peace-making one. My girl’s hurting because her dickhead father will not speak to her. I plan on doing whatever it takes to make him see that she needs him, maybe as much as she needs me. But I choose to not dwell on that. Whatever brings her pain hurts me ten times worse. I couldn’t give a flying fuck if he ever likes me, but he’s going to play nice with his daughter, because I’m not going anywhere.

  Just as I merge off of Interstate 45 and onto Highway 59, my phone rings. Her precious little ringtone “Bless The Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts almost kills me every time she calls. She is going to have to give me something a little less dramatic.

  “Hey, baby. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until later.” Her and Brad were doing something today, but for the life of me I can’t remember what.

  “I was just missing you and wanted to hear your voice,” she says, shyly. Now I feel like a bigger asshole for lying to her.

  “I’ll be home tonight, like I promised.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise, my beautiful girl. You’ll feel me snuggle up to you.”

  She giggles that fucking precious giggle. “Why do we need a king-sized bed again?”

  She makes me chuckle. She’s right. The only way that I sleep is pressed against her. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have to leave for away games. “I’ve got no idea why we need a big bed, except it sure is fun to see you naked and spread out underneath me.”

  “You. Are. Awful,” she says pronouncing each word very clearly.

  She can talk just as dirty as me, but I love it when she acts all prim and proper.

  We hang up just as I take the exit for her dad’s house. The feeling of dread settles in my stomach as I turn onto his street. This has got to go well. If he tells Charlie that I’ve come to see him, I’m sunk. She’ll cut my balls off, and make them into a necklace.

  I’ve been specifically warned to stay out of this, but as usual, I can’t seem to listen. Charlie would say that this is manipulation and meddling. I call it taking care of what’s mine, and she’s definitely mine.

  She keeps telling me that her dad will come around. We had a wedding date for about four hours. It was supposed to be in March. Unfortunately, almost as soon as we announced it at her birthday party, it was leaked to the media, along with a host of pictures from Charlie’s surprise party, including one of the two of us dancing in a rather sexy way. Yay! Once again our private life was put on display for the public to talk about.

  We both agreed it was best to cancel the wedding planning before it even began, but I know that part of her hesitation in marrying me is this shit with her dad. She’s waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass and realize that his perfect daughter has chosen an imperfect guy.

  I look at my left hand and see the engagement ring that she had made for me. I fucking love it, but I made a big show of complaining that I had to wear it. The jeweler in LA melted down the platinum from her original engagement ring, the one she’d proposed to me with, and added more to it because I’ve got massive hands. Then, he inset some of the smaller diamonds from her engagement band inside of the ring. With the space left, she had it engraved with our engagement date. It looks like I’m wearing a plain wedding band. Only her and I know what’s inside, and that’s the way that I plan to keep it. Just looking at my ring makes me smile. My girl is awesome—fucking awesome.

  She gave me my ring me while we were in New York. I couldn’t believe when she dropped to her knee again! This time she did it in public, in Central Park. I pulled her cute little ass up real quick while she laughed her head off. I swatted her behind, and dragged her back to the hotel for another round of engagement sex.

  As I turn into her dad’s driveway, I wonder what he was thinking when he built his house. Charlie hates our house and calls it a McMansion, but this monstrosity should be against zoning laws.

  I park in the driveway and collect my thoughts for a moment. I remind myself that it’s my job to protect Charlie. Protecting her means making sure that her dickwad father and I are both playing for the same team. And that’s Team Charlie.

  Carmen opens the front door, and doesn’t give me near as warm of a welcome as she did when I visited Charlie’s work for the first time.

  As my mom says, “Kill 'em with kindness.” I plant the biggest smile that I can manage on my face and greet her. “Hello Carmen. It’s nice to see you. Thanks for setting up this meeting.” Doctor Jack Collins wouldn’t take my phone calls so I decided to go through Carmen. She arranged this meeting for me, and insisted that it be at their home.

  She shakes her head as she pats my arm. “I’m not sure what good it’s going to do, but I respect you for trying. How is she?”

  “Well,” I say, as I step into the foyer, “I wouldn’t be here if she was doing well.”

  She gives me a sad smile. “I know, honey. That’s why I insisted that Jack meet with you. I love Caroline, and I hate that her and her dad are not on good terms.”

  I just shrug my shoulders. What else is there to say?

  “He’s in his office at the back of the house.” Carmen makes a gesture, indicating where I should go.

  Of course the smug bastard has his door shut, forcing me to knock. I remind myself that I’m doing this for Charlie. I knock and wait for him to respond. He makes me wait, ten beats long, before he says, in a stern voice, “Come in.”

  When I open the door, he’s sitting behind his desk and makes no effort to stand up or shake my hand. If this bastard thinks that he’s going to intimidate me, he’s got another thing coming. Every Sunday I face guys that could eat Jack Collins for breakfast.

  I walk to the edge of his large wooden desk, and stick my hand across it. He looks at it, like it’s diseased. I leave my hand out and wait, looking him in the eye.

  And wait.

  He will shake my hand.

  And wait.

  Finally, he reluctantly sticks his hand out, and I shake it. I knew his manners would ultimately prevail. This is a small victory for me.

  I take a seat in one of the wing-backed chairs before he can offer. I cross one leg over the other and lean back, trying to appear as non-intimidating as possible. We sit there in silence while I wait for him to acknowledge me. I’ve got all day.

  “Okay, Colin. You’ve harassed my wife enough to set up this appointment. What do you want?” he asks, in his know-it-all and I’m-better-than-you voice. Bastard.

  “I’m glad you asked, Jack.” I’m assuming that we’re on a first name basis, since he called me Colin. “Your daughter, Caroline,” I say, to remind him exactly who’s at stake here. “She was devastated that you didn’t call to wish her a happy thirtieth birthday. She was even more insulted that the best that you could do was email her a tacky, singing birthday card a day late. Although, I think that you’re a selfish bastard she, for some reason, would like a relationship with you.”

  The look on Jack’s face is priceless. He’s probably never been spoken to like that in his life.

  “Aren’t you a smug son-of-a-bitch?”

  I cut him off and continue. “Her mom and I threw her a birthday party. All of her sisters were there, including Tiffany and Sarah. They drove up from College Station. Rachael flew into town to see her blow out her candles. My parents drove in for her birthday. It was awesome.” I pause for a moment, and then continue. “Her mom made Caroline her favorite cake. We ate dessert first. Do you know about that tradition, Jack?” I ask, as I uncross my legs and lean forward. Before he can reply, I keep talking. “Do you know who wasn’t there? You. You weren’t there, and I know that you got the invitation because I sent it FedEx. Thirty years ago you were present when the most incredible woman entered this world. Yet you can’t get over your ego enough to be there to watch her blow out her thirty birthday candles.”

  I continue, “You see, Jack, I couldn’t really care less if I ever see you again. In fact, my fiancée—” I do emphasize the word fianc
ée “—would say that it’s on the I Don’t Give A Fuck list. However, I love Caroline Jane Collins, more than I love anything else in this world. When she’s sad, I’m devastated. When she doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning because she’s so upset over her relationship with her father, I want to fix it. Because what you fail to realize, Jack, is that I’m not going away. I’ll never leave her. We’re together for the rest of our lives, and I pray that there’s an afterlife, so we can be together there, also.”

  Doctor Jack Collins looks like he’s been hit by a truck. I lean back casually in the chair, and wait for him to respond. After a few minutes, he cracks a smile. “I despise you. If you were on fire, I wouldn’t piss on it to put it out. When you fuck up, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces, and I’ll never tell her ‘I told you so.’” He leans back in his over-stuffed leather chair sucks in a deep breath. I can see the wheels in his head turning. Finally, he says, “I’ll call her tomorrow and see if we can at least get on speaking terms again.”

  I stand up and look him in the eye. “That’s all I ask. I won’t tell her that I came to see you. I’ll let you be the good guy. Don’t worry about getting up. I’ll show myself out.”

  Carmen is nowhere to be seen as I let myself out their front door.

  Well, that went better than expected. I thought that I might have to make multiple trips to Houston to visit him. Guess not. Guess Jack was ready to bury the hatchet. He just needed a little push to do the right thing.

  Next on my to-do list is to meet with Charlie’s therapist, Doctor Benson. We’ve met together with her as a couple, and Charlie gave permission to Doctor Benson to speak openly with me.

  My girl’s not in a good place, but she’s better than she was. She’s at least running again in the mornings, and doesn’t live just in our bedroom. I’ve flown Doctor Benson up every week to speak with Charlie, but she just can’t seem to get out of her funk. It’s breaking my heart. I’m ready for her to be truly happy again, not the forced kind of happy that she pretends to be so I won’t worry.

  I’ve had nightmares about Charlie getting sick again. They started the day that I found the toilet seat raised. They’re always the same. She’s upset, running away from me, and I can’t get to her. I can’t comfort her and make her whole again. Her caramel-colored hair is flying behind her, and I can never see her face. My chest physically tightens while I’m having this dream, causing me to quit breathing, and I wake up drenched in sweat. Fortunately, I’ve been able to play off this nightmare as just getting too warm snuggled up against her, but I don’t know how many more times I can have it without her getting tipped off.

  I need some help understanding her illness.

  I knock on Doctor Benson’s front door, and wait patiently for her to answer. I’m a few minutes early, so I sit down on the front porch step and wait. There’s a gentle breeze blowing that helps make the oppressive heat more bearable. Doctor Benson has an amazing tree in her front yard. I’d have bought this house just for that tree. We don’t have a lot of mature trees like this in Dallas. I wonder if I plant some oak trees at our house if Charlie might like it better.

  While I wait, I whip out my phone and text Jenny.

  Me: Call a landscaper and get some large oak trees planted at the house.

  Jenny: What?

  Me: Trees. I want big, fucking, oak trees.

  Jenny: Aiden give the phone back to 8.

  Me: It’s me. I’m not kidding. Find me big oak trees.

  Doctor Benson opens her front door, which ends my texting with Jenny. A Q-tip looking woman brushes past me as she walks down the front steps. God, is that what Charlie looked like when she was so sick? I hope that Doctor Benson can help this poor lady look human again.

  I have to clear my throat before I can say hello.

  Doctor Benson waits until the lady gets in her car before she greets me. “Afternoon, Colin. Please, come in.”

  I follow her into her office. She takes a seat, and motions for me to sit down on the couch. It’s really soft. It would make a great napping couch.

  She picks up her yellow legal tablet and takes the cap off of her Mont Blanc pen. The only reason that I know what they are is because Jenny steals them when they come in as gifts. Jenny only takes my good shit.

  “So, Colin. What brings you here today?” Doctor Benson asks, in her even, but pleasant, voice.

  “I need help, Doc. I’m really worried about Charlie.”

  “Can you be more specific?”

  I sit there and think what to say. There’s so much that’s worrying me, so I pick the first issue that pops in my head. “She doesn’t have a job yet.”

  “And why’s that a concern?”

  “Well, since I’ve known Charlie, all she’s wanted to do is be a doctor. She worked her ass off to be a doctor. She loves being a doctor. She’s said a hundred times that she’d do it for free. I figured when she moved to Dallas that, if I kept her unemployed for a month, I’d be doing good.” I stop and take a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. “She won’t even entertain the job offers that have flooded in. Her assistant said that every day he tries to talk to her about them, and she changes the subject.”

  Doctor Benson begins to take notes on her tablet. “Have you asked Caroline about working?”

  “I’ve told her that, if she doesn’t want to work, that she doesn’t have to. I’ve also told her that if she wants to work, that I’ll support her. I’ve offered to pay to set up a practice for her or buy into an existing one. God, Doc. I never thought that I’d be so upset because she doesn’t want to work.” I adjust my legs and run my hand through my hair. Charlie’s right. If I don’t stop doing this, I’ll be bald by forty.

  “But, Colin, you just said what you’ve told Caroline.” Doctor Benson stops me. “Have you asked her if she wants to work? Have you asked Caroline what she wants?”

  That makes me pause for a second. I haven’t asked her. I just assumed that she wanted to work.

  Doctor Benson puts her pen down, and asks, “What else is bothering you?”

  “She sleeps in every morning and doesn’t want to get out of bed. When she does get up, she’s snappy and short-tempered. I mean, she yelled at me because I forgot to clean out the toothpaste from the sink one time. It wasn’t even her sink. She kicked out the guys that I’ve let stay with me. She cried and complained about Jenny working at our house, enough so that I rented an office space. Look, Doc. I know that learning to live with someone else isn’t easy. I get that she’s lived alone since she was twenty-two. But this isn’t Charlie.”

  I stop for a second, and drop my head into my hands. “I mean, it’s gotten better since I’ve been flying you up. She seems happier that Jenny now works at my office instead of the house. I know that she’s pleased that my football stuff has moved out of the house too. But, none of it changes the fact that I’m still scared shitless I’m losing my girl.”

  Doctor Benson sets the pad and pen on a table next to her chair. I watch her for a moment, hoping to find some sort of expression that will make me feel better. Nothing does.

  “Colin, Caroline has been patient of mine for a couple of years now. I’m very familiar with her personal history, and her history with you. She’s a complex, brilliant woman. Have you considered that she’s going through a tough time? She’s lost a job that was her identity, and her home which she built, and lovingly chose each piece of furniture for. And her relationship with her father is strained. Caroline will always struggle with issues of control. It’s something that she can’t be cured of. She just has to find ways to cope.

  “In the previous times that I have met with you and her, you’ve said that you’ve made some positive changes to your living situation that have made her feel more comfortable. Give her a chance to adjust, Colin, to these positive changes. She also needs reassurance that she can voice her objections to you without you pushing her away. Losing your temper, if you will. Caroline needs to feel like she’s your equal.”
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br />   Doctor Benson stops talking and gives me a minute to process what she’s saying. There’s a lot of truth in it. It’s like someone turned on a light in a dark room. I lean back against the couch cushion and cross my legs. “I think that I get it Doctor Benson. I need to give Charlie permission to be Charlie, and listen to her worries without overreacting. I also need to give her time.”

  She smiles a very warm smile at me, and says, with a slight bit of humor in her voice, “Yes. That’s exactly what you need to do.”

  That’s not the advice that I’d wanted. I was hoping for some assortment of magical words that would make everything better, but I can live with it for a while. I was also hoping that she’d reassure me that Charlie wasn’t going to get sick again or leave me. I guess that was too much to hope for.

  I get to fall asleep and wake up with Charlie. I can hold off on changing her last name for a little while longer, and give her the space that she needs to adjust to her new life.

  I remember my dream, and beat around the bush trying to find a way to bring it up. Finally, I just spit it out. “Doc, I’m terrified that I’m going to do something to cause Charlie to get sick again.” Ultimately, leave me again, but I can’t say the last words out loud to anyone.

  Doctor Benson smiles kindly. “I was wondering if you were going to bring this up today. Tell me about it.”

  I think back to the Q-tip lady leaving Doctor Benson’s office. Then, I remember what Charlie looked like when we broke up. I remember her words to me when she told me about Harvard. How she’d said that she had begun fantasizing about making herself sick again. The weight slams up against my ribs, as I relive those memories. I see the toilet seat raised in our bathroom, and the soul-crushing fear that she was doing it again hits me like it was yesterday.